“Swinging it”

Remember when Swing was a fad back in the nineties?  Everyone was getting back into old time swing and swing dancing.  I was living in Edmonton and I was fancy on girl who worked at Ernie’s Chicken Wings.  She used to wear bobby socks and them big swirley skirts.  She said she was in a swing dance group.  So I thought I’d surprise her and learn how to swing. 

The only number I found in the phone book was Alberta Swingers, a club for “consenting adults.”  I sure wasn’t going to dance with kids so I was glad it was for adults.  I called my old buddy Chubby from back home and we took a cab over to the hall where the Alberta Swingers met on Saturday night.  Man, we had to fill out a long form with about a hundred questions.  I don’t know what my favorite sexual position had to do with swing dancing but I filled it out anyway.  Plus we had to pay twenty bucks apiece to get in.  They gave us each a towel and a locker.  Man, they must have expected me to work up a sweat.

When we got in, the music was low and people were milling around.  The announcer came on and welcomed everyone to the “Anything Goes” night.  They were playing the BeeGees, which I thought was funny music for swing dancing.  Me and Chubby were standing around when two guys dressed in leather vests and leather chaps came up to us.  They introduced themselves as Klaus and Frederick.  They had a really strong German accent.  They asked us how long we had been swinging.  I told them this was our first time.  Then they invited us to their room. 

I thought it was funny that two guys dressed like that would be into swing dancing.  Me and Chubby didn’t know what to think but we agreed anyway.  Maybe they had partners in their room and we could start learning how to swing dance.  But when Klaus and Frederick turned around, I noticed neither of them was wearing any underwear or pants under their chaps.  Me and Chubby didn’t know what to do but followed them anyway.  I guess we were too polite to tell them they forgot their pants. 

They opened the door to a large room with one big bed in it, nothing more.  When we got in, Klaus invited us to get comfortable.  Me and Chubby sat on the bed.  They asked us if we’d like to watch first.  We said sure, not really knowing what they meant.  I thought their dance partners were in the room and they were going to show us how to dance.  But instead, they started kissing.  Boy, me and Chubby didn’t know whether to wind our watches or chew bubble gum. 

When they started taking each others vests off, we tried to sneak out.  But Klaus locked the door and pulled out a whip.  He started whipping at us and we had to hide under the bed.  Then they turned the lights out and put on really loud Heavy Metal music.  I could feel someone pulling me out by my legs.  Then I heard Chubby yelling, “Fuck off!”  Klaus wrapped that whip around my neck and asked me if I like it rough.  I stomped on his foot and elbowed him in the mouth.  I turned on the light just as Frederick was trying to pull off Chubby’s pants.  We took off running, me pulling Chubby by the arm while he tried to pull up his pants.  We got out and ran all the way to the cops and reported them.  I showed them the copy of the form I filled out and they said that we’d consented to anything in that club, including “rough play.”  I’m sure not crazy about swinging anymore.  I can’t even get Chubby to come our for coffee.  He doesn’t trust me I guess.     


About inuvik61

Filmmaker, apprentice bluesman. columnist, father, husband, master, and champion to all those who missed their boats.
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