Me and Chubby were hanging around the band office one day reading old newspapers when Ida Scow called us in her office. She said the Queen was coming to town and they needed athletes to demonstrate Arctic Sports. We figured Ida was so hung over that she forgot who she was talking to. But I knew Angus Buckskin was running a snareline up at Bug Lake and Eddy Bipsi was dishwashing at camp still spring. They were the usual guys for Arctic sports so I figured she must be talking to us. I knew it wasn’t a good idea but thirty bucks is thirty bucks.
The community hall was almost busting. Of course Harvey Dogpot starting singing, “Queen of the Silver Dollar” when the Queen walked in. A guy in a black suit and sunglasses put him in a headlock and dragged him out the door. Instead of staying to watch the Queen walk in, everyone shot out the door to watch Harvey slip out of the headlock and kick the snot out of that security guy. Harvey been in jail longer than any of us been alive and one thing he knows how to do is fight. After eight of them wrestled him into a cop car, we went back inside.
Ida introduced us as “Supreme athletes displaying awesome strength, agility, and endurance.” But Chubby had to sew a hole in his gym pants and held up the show a few minutes. When we finally went out, I thought we were at the fireworks because there were so many press people flashing their cameras.
The first thing we did was the airplane, where the “athlete” lays flat on his stomach with his arms stretched out. Then three guys lift him straight up to resemble an airplane. He has to lay completely flat which requires incredible core strength. I let Chubby go first. No one wanted to risk their backs lifting Chubby so three of the Queen’s body guards had to volunteer; one on either arm and one holding his legs. When they lifted him, the pressure on his back must have been too much and he let out a long groan. Instead of looking like an airplane, it just looked like three guys throwing him out. I guess they couldn’t see the point of it so they just dropped him.
The next up was the kneel jump where the athlete starts by sitting on his knees and jumps up and forward as far as he can. I had a bad knee so I let Chubby go first. He swung his arms and jumped but it wasn’t enough to propel him forward and off his knees and he landed flat on his face. I saw the Queen whispering to one of her aides who then went over to Ida and whispered in her ear too. Then Ida stopped us just as were about to do the lip-pull. She told the crowd to give us a big hand but only the Queen and couple of photographers did. She gave us thirty bucks apiece and we bought two pouches of tobacco and a bucket of chicken.
I was looking on the internet later and I saw a picture of Chubby in the London Times being dragged across the floor. In the background you could see the Queen holding her mouth. The caption read, “Queen treated to ancient Arctic Sports on Northern Tour.” I never thought Chubby would be famous before me but I looks like he is I guess. Chubby says hi. Rabbits for sale. Call 2262.